The Expendables 3

Released:  August 15^th, 2014

Rated:  PG-13

Studio:  Lionsgate

Starring:  Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Antonio Banderas, Jet Li, Wesley Snipes, Dolph Lundgren, Kelsey Grammer, Randy Couture, Terry Crews, Kellan Lutz, Ronda Rousey, Glen Powell, Victor Ortiz, Robert Davi, Mel Gibson, Harrison Ford, Arnold Schwarzenegger

Directed by:  Patrick Hughes 

Written by:  Sylvester Stallone, Creighton Rothenberger, Katrin Benedikt

Personal Bias Alert:  Not an action movie fan, never seen the first two Expendables

 3 of 10

            Even I have to admit, this cast is impressive.  Not in the sense of being extremely talented actors, but in the sheer number of them that could break my spine in under a minute.  Yep, most of these guys (and the lady) are the real thing, ranging from massive bodybuilders to boxers to MMA fighters.  That makes me mildly terrified to say this, but they’ve collectively made a pretty terrible film.

            In a case of three heads are worse than two, the writing staff has been upped to a trio, and still they struggle to form a basic plot.  We get that Mel Gibson’s Stonebanks is the bad guy, having turned on Sylvester Stallone’s Barney and vaguely betrayed the expendables group they formed together.  But the reason why anything else happens, like why Barney breaks Wesley Snipes’ Doc out of prison or why he abandons his old group in favor of some young blood is only given cursory explanations.  It’s pretty clear that they’re trying to segue into the next action sequence (or at least the next quipy exchange) as fast as possible, and I have to wonder why three writers were necessary for that goal.

            Perhaps it was to get all that sharp, witty banter (sarcasm).  Now, I have to take a step back here and admit that I’ve always found this cheesy style of 80s-90s action movie dialogue rather off-putting, and while it did elicit a few laughs from others, there were long swathes of banter scenes that left the theater silent.  There’s simply too many lazy jokes, too many poorly performed gags, too many ‘there’s a woman in this one’ reminders, and one awfully terrible Antonio Banderas.  I actually kind of felt bad for him; he was clearly told to go that big, but watching his performance had me agreeing with the guy next to me who whispered “go back to Zorro.”

            The experience level in this cast is an odd mix, with some being action movie legends and others making their big screen debut.  It’s not noticeable, though, since everyone is skating along without really trying.  Sure, they give it their all in the action scenes, but anything that resembles actual acting is pretty sparse.  The only one really emoting anything here is Gibson.  Extracurricular activities aside, the man can act, and even in a one-note performance he outshines everyone else onscreen.  But hey, at least with a cast this size we get an overlong team introduction/recruitment sequence.

            Now to the selling point, the entire reason for this film’s existence:  the action sequences.  I’ll be frank; they’re very underwhelming.  Relying on uninspired gunfire and explosions sequences to keep you entertained, their repetitiveness eventually becomes outright tiresome.  The final sequence, which features the team fighting their way through an abandoned building, goes on for an eternity, endlessly repeating the hiding behind a wall and shooting the guy as he passes routine.  Add in that the $90 million budget was noticeably stretched too far, resulting in some unconvincing CGI, and you’ve got a dud.

            To be honest, I don’t have much to say about this film.  I walked out of the theater and tried to record my notes, but nothing came.  The stammering recording is almost sad, and at one point I actually exclaim “I just don’t know what to say about it, because I was so bored by it.”  Listening to the recording again, I actually remark twice on how bored I was.  So that’s my main takeaway:  I was bored.  You probably will be, too.

            Other Notes (Ridiculous Action Movie Version):

Ø  Guards never look up or down.

Ø  When Sly Stallone’s ears are ringing, he just has to yell incoherently to fix them.  (This was my favorite part of the film)

Ø  The beard shaving scene.  It’s worth a watch just for its awfulness.

Other Notes (Regular Version):

Ø  When they introduced Ronda Rousey’s character, were they trying to hide that she was a badass with hipster glasses?

Ø  What’s with all the shots of Mel Gibson walking up stairs?

Ø  SPOILER:  This does have an ethnically diverse cast, but they only toy with killing the two black characters.  I’m hoping that was meant to be a joke on that trope.